Monday, September 8, 2008

BIRTHDAY BLOG BY BILL

Be Careful What You Wish For, Dear

Ed. Note: On this, the 37th 30th 29th anniversary of her birth, Song for Whoever’s Kelly has selected as her first guest sucker contributor her first future ex- husband, Bill.

Those of you who have kept abreast of Kelly’s 10-part series dedicated to our eldest daughter’s seemingly endless birthday extravaganza will not be surprised to learn that in this family one can not, within reason, be denied anything on one’s birthday. To her credit, I have never had to apply this informal contract’s “within reason” clause to any of my wife’s celebrations, as Kelly is by far our little clan’s most staunch fiscal conservative, and not once has she requested a pony, Caribbean cruise, or male stripper (oh, sure, she asked for all three at the same time that one time, but that wasn’t her birthday, and…I’ve probably said too much already.) This year, however, my lovely bride asked of me something to which I never would have consented had I actually been paying attention to the question. “I need a small favor,” she may-or-may-not have asked as I was watching a college football game…a college football game, people! For a Southern male asking a question requiring any amount of thought at a time like that is, I imagine, akin to asking one of you ladies to complete your tax return while undergoing an OB-GYN exam. “Could you write a post for my blog on my birthday?” she supposedly asked me during the home team’s attempt to convert a third-and-long. “Sure,” I allegedly replied, probably followed by something like, “huh?” or “what?” or “come again?”

Too late. I committed. And thus, here we are.

Kelly provided me no direction as to what I should write about, but as she selected this, the 37th anniversary of her birth, as the day she wanted this to appear, I suppose she intended for me to pen something sentimental, or at the very least, nice. And so as not to disappoint, I will honor her faith in me by regaling you, the dedicated Song for Whoever reader, with a tale of why I fell in love with Kelly and remain deeply in love with her to this day. Above all her obvious attributes, it was her two most prominent features that initially drew me to her that first day we met. I found myself lost in them instantly, and all these years later, they have not lost their power to mesmerize me. In days of antiquity poets would write sonnets about them, and kings would launch armies to possess them. They are perfection, and empirical proof of the existence of God.

They are, of course, her tits.

Oh, her other physical features have their merits, I suppose. Her smile, for example, is luminous and contagious. Her bright eyes betray her, as they as so expressive she is incapable of lying. She laughs often, loudly and sincerely, and makes other laugh as well. Her eyes, her smiles, her laughter…all of these are endearing, and yet…none can be squeezed, rubbed or nuzzled. Advantage: boobies.

Sure, I suppose I could make mention that the quality of her heart makes her easy to adore. It’s a heart filled with love, compassion, and (I hope even after reading this post) forgiveness. She is warm, kind soul, and people she meets instantly feel like they’re her friends. Yes, my wife has a big heart; luckily for me, covering that heart are even larger hooters.

Could I tell you all about what an incredible friend she’s been to me? Is it possible that I could talk for hours on what an amazing mother she is? Do I find her ability to juggle a family and career inspiring? Yes, yes, and yes. Coincidentally, “incredible” “amazing” and “inspiring” are all apt adjectives for her sweater puppies, her fun bags, her flesh pillows…and that’s just from the comments from strangers on her myspace page.

In summary, while I wear my love for Kelly on my sleeve, she wears the reason I love her on her chest. Yes, I realize that perfect breasts, unlike my love for her, don’t last forever. I am aware that, unlike my devotion to her, her personal flotation devices will one day sag. I am buoyed, however, by the knowledge that no matter how powerful the evil forces of gravity and time are, they are no match for my deep love…or silicone in the hands of a skilled surgeon.

Ed. Note #2: I’m going out on a limb here, but this may be the last time Bill is asked to “guest blog.”

33 comments:

Jill said...

Kelly - Happy, Happy birthday to you! May you have a wonderful birthday, filled with memories, and the day spent with family and friends.

P.S. Now I feel like I need to see a photo of these perfect breasts.

justjuli said...

Happy Birthday!!!!
And - what a, uh, lovely post by your dh. :) Very entertaining! At least he discussed the secondary attributes that continue to attract him as well.

Celebrate well!

Ronda's Rants said...

Happy Birthday Kelly!!
My Hubby is an ass man..thankfully for me! But good for you girl! A man who appreciates his wife many attributes is a keeper!
Note to self...never let my Hubby blog for me!

Therese said...

Happy Birthday, Kelly! Hope it is a great one!

Hippie Family... said...

Happy birthday to you and your girls... HAAHHAAHA - I vote more from Bill...

Sara said...

Ha Ha Ha - love your hubby! Happy Birthday! Have a good one!!

Kat said...

I believe that when you first started blogging we determined we were seperated at birth. Or something like that. Now I think it's really our husbands who were. This is so funny. And being the visual creatures that are men, I must wonder where the proof of his love is.

Z's Mom said...

Happy Birthday, Kelly!

That is BY FAR the funniest thing I have read all day!!!! I'm at work laughing out loud like an idiot!!!! :)

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM said...

OMG, hilarious! The title is just perfect, too. Happy Birthday Kelly and hey Bill - GO GATORS!!

Dee Light said...

Okay, I followed a link in a comment to box, to your blog. This may just be the best post I have ever read!! Soooooo Funny. But so Man like!! Happy, Happy B Day!!!

Shanna said...

ROFL :o) He sounds like such a total guy.

Happy happy birthday!

American in Norway said...

Oh WILLIAM...I have forgotten what a perv you are!

& Good news everyone I DO have a picture of Kelly's boobies! Remember that topless beach in Italy? Hmm mmm... when we were trying to be all cool getting our boobies brown before you went back to see Bill, but were then told we were on the FAMILY beach...not the TOPLESS beach..
Happy Birthdy to my favorite Beeech.
Love you!

Jen said...

Happy Birthday to you!
That was the best. LOL funny. At least he is an honest man. I agree with Jill. I think that we need a picture or a link to where this ample bossism can be viewed.

JWilson said...

At first I thought wow how sweet is this and while it ended sweet it wasn't what I was expecting. It was however hilarous!

Oh and mention to the hubbie that southern men aren't the only ones that engrossed in College Football. There are Northern women who would answer yes to just about anything during the Home Teams 3rd and long. :))

Sheila said...

I laughed so hard reading this, that I actually snorted something into my nose. This being Florida, I am sure it was a mosquito and I'll be dead in a week with west nile virus, but... That was hilarious. I vote Yes to having Bill blog again and No to seeing actual pictures of your boobies. This is a family show!

Angie's Spot said...

Happy Happy Birthday!! And thank your lovely hubby for the wonderful laugh and reminder why I will never ask my hubby to guest-blog for me. :-)

Hope your bday was awesome!!

Jennifer said...

LOL! Great job Bill! That was an amazing post!

Happy Birthday Kelly! Hope you're having a great day!!

christie said...

Oh my goodness...I laughed through this entire post! You're husband is sweet AND funny!

Happy Birthday!

Aubrey said...

Ok, THAT was a great post! I hope you have him back next year! LOL

Shannon said...

Happy Birthday Kelly!

LOVE this post! I was totally not expecting it to go there but I LOVE that it did! LOL!

My hubby is a boob man, too... my first birthday that came after we started dating, he actually gave me a birthday card about boobs... and we had only been together about 6 months. Did I mention I opened this card in front of his whole family?!?!

Anyway, I hope you had a GREAT birthday! You so deserve it!

This Mom said...

Kelly I hope you have a Happy Happy Day.

Plaese tell Bob I laughed so hard I cried. At least he can express why he loves you so. I think my Hubby would reasond because he has to.

I say let him have is say once and a while we would want him to get to cocky.

Jules said...

OMG! THis is such a GUY post. It's hilarious! I'm still laughing!

Happy Birthday Kelly!

Frizzy and Bird said...

Kelly, Happy Birthday again! What an awesome idea to have your biggest fan write for you on your special day. I bet you never in a million years imagined he would write what he did. Then again, you know him better than anyone else so maybe it's not a surprise. He's a riot and what a sweetheart even if he had to be sure and act like a man while showing it. Loved what An American in Norway had to say in her comment. I recall most beaches in Italy Family or not had at least one topless person. Who knows, maybe one of them we saw was you. ;)

Andrea said...

Love the guest blogger! That was too too funny!

Happy Birthday. I sure hope it was a good one (and I hope you didn't commit the murder of your dear husband, just snag his credit card instead and go to town!)

Jo-Jo said...

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Kelly. Happy Birthday to you!

I would a.) be happy my hubby went through with his promise and b.) still thought I looked hot and c.) didn't mind to tell people he thought I looked hot! Great post!

Lori said...

(One part of me wants to say) OHHHHHHH Great Googly Moogly that was funny!! I love it!

(But another part of me wants to say) There is something disturbing happening in this marriage. Something indicative of a lack of respect for something honorable, treasured and deep. So Kelly, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but please don't ask the hubby questions during football again. ;D

Judy Haley (coffeejitters) said...

ha! that just might be the most romantic post i have ever read

happy birthday!

CaraBee said...

That was great!! Sounds just like my husband. Those men do love their boobies. Happy (belated) Birthday, Kelly!

Crazy Momma said...

Happy Belated, Kelly. I have tears in my eyes...this was beyond hysterical.

I wonder if this was an act of revenge from Bill...or if he is just that kind of guy...or...well...hysterical, just hysterical!

Thank you for taking a few moments to stop by my blog in between stranglings of the hubby :)

Katy Lin :) said...

hope you had a fantabulous birthday - and this really is a sweet, sweet post - despite the "man"ness of it :)

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

hahaha!!! Bill is funny and is just being honest! Very good prose! Not what Kelly expected but still very good tribute!

Ashley said...

Ahahahahahaha!!!!! This has to be one of the best posts ever! Happy Birthday!

Kathi said...

Oh my gosh! That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Happy belated Birthday!!
PS. Did you kill Bill??